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Storm in a Taoiseach.
Confusion as man in iron mask is unmasked.
Filed by A. Shanks

Behind Bars: Is this man, discovered languishing on Spike Island, the real 'Bertie Ahern'?

Ireland is in the grip of a Constitutional mess today. The crisis erupted when Spike Island prison warders unmasked a prisoner who had been encased in an iron mask since his confinement in 1994. There were signs of rust on it, and a decision was made to remove it and replace it with a stainless steel version.

However, when they took it off, they discovered that Prisoner #334595G, who was wearing the mask, bore a striking resemblance to current Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern. The man, who has always maintained that he is the original, was released immediatly, as a check of legal documents this morning confirmed that he has never had a trial or been convicted of any crime. It is believed his internment was ordered by then Minister of Justice, a man appointed by alleged criminal mastermind, Charles Haughey. He denies this, however.

"This is all crap", said the TD, today. "I never signed an order like that, and even if I did, that man is an imposter. But ask yourself, even if the Taoiseach is a fraud, does it matter? With the economic growth of Ireland and the rolling on of the celtic tiger, does it matter who'd driving the bus, as long as he gets us home?"

Spike Island boffins have examined Prisoner #334595G and are convinced that he is a Dub. "There's no doubt about it," the eggheads told us, "He has been wearing an anorak for the past 6 years, and when he was unmasked, his first question was on the current performance of Shamrock Rovers.

"It is our view, that Bertie Aherne was replaced with a Replicanoid in 1994, or earlier, and the original was sent to prison. Who's to know the reasons behind this. Certainly it would seem that politicians from that era will know the truth." Government spokesmen have poured scorn upon these ideas.

Boris #5, one of the many Boris Yeltzin 'Replicanoids' in use over the last few years.

"I've never heard the like, these are totally unfounded allegations.", said the Minister for Information, who we found in his office shredding a box of files. "Just clearing out some old stuff," he told us, while laughing manically.

Although government denials continue, the use of replicanoids to replace or supplement polititians is nothing new. The Russian government used up to 8 replicanoids at one time, so as to lessen the embarrassment caused by Boris Yeltsin's death in 1997.

Tony Blairs #1,2,3,4,5,6: "Give us some cash, please."

Even Britain's New Labour government has a history of using doubles, although early attempts were slap-dash, and have led to Tony Blairs (#1-6) demanding compensation from an increasingly hard nosed establishment.

"They're just students with masks on, you tit", said some guy who looked a bit like that MP that had the hassle in that park (you remember him, that guy).

Out and About: One of the Berties, walking around some dump of a place.

As far as the Irish situation goes, investigations are set to continue, even with the government's negative response.

The Taoiseach refuses to give a blood and DNA test to prove his identity, although he may be forced to do so. Meanwhile, newly freed Prisoner #334595G has been appearing on Irish TV and Radio talk shows to establish his credentials.

"Dis is an Outrage," he told RTE's Pat Kenny, "Dat oi Shud be put inta wana dem gaffs is a pain in me sac, Pat, Dis hole ting has been tetrintal to me helth."

The investigation continues.