News in Brief

Oh Sugar

Filed by A. Shanks

Up and down like a demented ski-monster
Share Slalem :Shares went up and down today, after oddly disappearing around 14.57, rather hypnotically, ooh, I think I'm falling alsee....ZZZZZZZZZZ
On the British Footsie exchange, stock traders were left with a sickly sweet taste in there mouths, after confusion over a message to a trader of Lloyds of London, from his girlfriend, requesting him to "Buy Sugar" led to a rush on the Sugar Stocks.

As a result, a bag of Caster Sugar now costs £57.72 .


Sardines on Rampage


Insist on the best
"I am not a fish", cries bizzare man-fish being
Angry Sardine-Human hybrid creatures took to the streets of London today, demanding equal rights for all. They claim to have broken out of a top secret research centre in Scotland, and then swam to the south of England, avoiding fishing nets and other hazards along the way.

"I only want to be treated like a human being," said John West, a Sardine for the past 20 years, before climbing into his tin of brine, for a well earned rest.