Media News

World Hand-Smelling Day: "Now Yasser, did she use Dove?"

Religious Figure Swears on Live Television.
"Don't Worry", Says man, "I'm the Pope."
Filed by A. Shanks

With a glut of tabloid style chat shows on television, does the world really need another? A former Polish Skiing champion certainly thinks so.

Why? Because he has a show of his own. The Pope has taken the world by the cassock with his new show, Jp, a joint venture between 'RAIuno' and the Pope's own production company, 'Jetski'.

With current high ratings, the show's backers are happy, and so are the public. "I'm converted!", said one viewer, "I used to watch Sally and Oprah, but now all I watch is Jp. I love the live Exorcisms."

"It's real People, in real situations," says Il Papa, "The difference between our show and all the others is that I can sort out people's problems and then absolve their sins, live on the air."

Jp is a huge hit in Italy and is set to gain worldwide distribution, through a deal signed in the Vatican, this week. "It's God's will that we join up with BSkyB to beam our message to the world.", says Papal spokesperson and personal trainer, Cardinal Julian Carlito, "After all, why did God give us TV if not to use it to spread his word and the word of our most holy sponsors?".

Above: "The Popes Favourite Stairs", Highlights of the Pope going down on staircases all over the world

Jp has the further bonus of a script that is never, and can never be, wrong. "Springer may dole out advice by the bucket load, but does he have Papal infallibility to back it up? I don't think so," says the Cardinal. "I'd like to see Jerry Springer canonise a saint on his show, then we'll see who's boss!". This is, of course, one of Jp's biggest audience pullers, "Viewers send in postcards with names of their loved ones on them, and the Pope picks one out of his Tabernacle at the end of the show. Whoever gets picked, gets a sainthood. It's a total rush!".

Cardinal Carlito fails to mention the infamous 'Mussilini' incident in the first week of the show, when Benito Mussolini was accidently made a saint.

"That was unfortunate," responds the Cardinal, "But who are we to question God's will? After all, he did some good work for us in World War Two, didn't he?"

But isn't the show generating a lot of cash, flowing straight into the Vatican's coffers?

"All the money goes towards the Pope's medical bills, because if it wasn't God's will that the pontiff has the best that medical science can provide, he wouldn't allow doctors to walk the earth, would he?", says Cardinal Carlito, "And rest assured, the balance of the money goes into Church investments."

But what about the Third World?

"Oh, I don't think they watch TV there, do they?