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Above: British Bio-Warfare Officers are horrified to discover nothing in refuse bin at the Tory Party HQ. |
“May be lost in the post,” say party.
Filed by A. Shanks
New British opposition leader, Iain Duncan-Smith, has not received any Anthrax in the post, a visibly shaken official spokesperson announced yesterday.
Party bigwigs said that, while they were ‘relieved’ that their leader had not gotten much attention from the terrorists, they feel it is only a matter of time before they realise that he is an important target for such an attack.
“Mr. Hague.., sorry, Mr. Duncan-Smith stands by the remarks he made some weeks ago,” said Tory MP Victor Toad.
“He is standing shoulder to shoulder with the Prime Minister, who in turn is standing shoulder to shoulder with President Bush, who is shoulder to shoulder with many world leaders. When one is at such shoulder level, as Mr. Duncan-Smith clearly is, one can expect to be involved in this current spate of attacks. It really is only a matter of time before our leader becomes embroiled in this terrible Anthrax business, along with his peers in the world community.”
The Tory Party have long felt an affinity with the United States, and it’s current leader, who shares many conservative values with them.
“President Bush has always been keen to learn more about British Conservatism. Only last year, when William Hauge [previous Tory Leader] went over to see him, he was heard to say ‘Who is that man?’. Clearly he is someone who wants to know more about us. World terrorists are aware of this, and will take advantage of the close friendship between our two parties.”
Tory officials are concerned that Anthrax bound for Mr. Duncan-Smith may have gotten lost in the post, and be sitting in a mail room somewhere, causing mayhem.
“There have been letters going astray recently. Mr. Duncan-Smith didn’t receive his book club magazine on time this month, we believe that there could be some confusion due to his changing address recently. We must be vigilant, however.
“It’s so easy to spread Anthrax spores,” Mr. Toad said.
“If someone were to put, say, 5 milligrams of these deadly bacteria into a well sealed envelope, and post them to Box 22, Room 5, 4th Floor, Palace of Westminster, London, England, they could quite easily be opened by Mr. Duncan-Smith himself, as this is his private mailbox address. Imagine what a health hazard that would be.”
Mr. Toad also expressed concern about parcels arriving at Duncan-Smith’s private residence.
“Imagine, if you will, a hardened terrorist, disgusted by the Tory Party’s strong policies on organised crime and hard line on terrorism, managed to get Anthrax spores as we said, and post then to 17 Feather Lane, Grove End, Wiltshire, WS3 5TZ, England, can you imagine the magnitude of such an event? Mr. Duncan-Smith would be lucky to live, and if he did survive, could you imagine the story he would have to tell? I say the press should seize the opportunity to discuss his policies and agenda with him, in detail, before he becomes victim to some heinous act.
“It is true to say that there are concerns about Mr. Duncan-Smith’s safety,” said his private secretary last night.
“And if they were to strike at his home, with easy access to the M4, only 35 minutes drive from both Sky News Centre, and BBC Headquarters, who’s to say what kind of shocking pictures we could see. Luckily Mr. Duncan-Smith’s house is on a 3-Phase electricity supply, so if outside broadcast vans needed power that wouldn’t be a problem. We will not let international terrorists silence us, and we will do anything to aid free speech and the freedom to listen to other people speak, including talented, electable, politicians with fresh ideas and a new perspective on politics. We must all stand firm in the face of the global threat of terrorism”