News: Human Being Loses Way

Sunday July 17th is a day not likely to be forgotten by John Davrage.

It was the day when, after having watched cyclists traverse 3,454 miles around a large swathe of Western Europe, climb for seven days through the Pyrenees and French Alps, endure gruelling time trials and an insatiable press corps, the tip of the winner's wheel crossed the finishing line on the Champs Elysées, marking the end of yet another Tour de France, the world's most demanding and psychologically challenging sports event.

"I never left the house for the entire two weeks", boasted an emotional Davrage, tugging nervously on his yellow jersey, as the cyclists raised glasses of champagne and were applauded by a world-wide audience numbering in the millions.

John Darvage greets reporters outside his home, following a "gruelling two weeks".

"In the course of the event I consumed 56 hamburgers, 112 pints of beer, and travelled--between bed, couch and toilet--a total of 100 metres. I love sport. I love it because I don't have to actually do anything: I can sit here in my house and watch really fit, wealthy millionaires, usually married to beautiful, well-dressed people, get their kicks for me. And here's the great thing: I don't even have to lift a finger. I have a great life."

Experts are divided as to the true worth of such "Proxy Participation Exercise", as it is known in the field, but lately opinion has swung in favour of leaving people to believe whatever the hell they want, no matter how out of touch with reality. A team of researchers at MIT concluded that it is "too risky" to tell sports fans that they are utter losers, wasting their pathetic lives adoring a pampered elite.

Mr Davrage asks only that he be loved and respected as a human being, and a real champion.

[more stories by Fin Keegan]