News: Sixty Horses Stuck in Chimney

A Dublin student was said to feel "gutted" yesterday after having unwittingly bifurcated reality, causing a good deal of the world's contents to be instantaneously expelled to another dimension, from whence they are not expected to return. Sixty horses remain stuck in a Neapolitan chimney at this hour.

Already departed this earth are US Vice President Dick Cheney, the entire land masses of Scandinavia and Australasia, the music of Phil Collins (but not, alas, the future music of Phil Collins), marmalade and tennis. Sven-Goran Eriksson described as "something of a setback" the fact that over half of his painstakingly assembled England eleven would be decamping to the farther reaches of the universe, if not beyond, while US President George W. Bush was described by unnamed sources this morning as being "unwilling to leave the Presidential restroom".

Little is known at this point about how such an unexpected division of the world's assets (and liabilities) could have occurred. The author of the catastrophe, a student at Trinity College, has admitted he was hacking the university's server in an attempt to void a library fine when the bifurcation occurred.

The absences first came to light this morning as early-risers around the world found various toothbrushes, spouses, staircases and breakfast condiments had entirely vanished. The reactions of Scandinavians are unknown but Danish motorists were said to be mightily ticked off as traffic either backed up on--or drove right off--the Øresund Bridge. Tory party leaders however welcomed the discovery that the Eurotunnel had ceased to exist and Afghan refugees have joined English cricketeers in hailing the abolition of Australia.

A publicist for the offending student delivered a short statement this evening "regretting the losses to the world economy and culture" of, among other things, the boomerang, the sauna, and "In the Air Tonight".

[more stories by Fin Keegan]