GMO VPs ambush ship
"Go get a proper job," screams one executive.
Filed by A. Shanks
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Shipshape: Well he would be - he's the ships captain
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Gardai equipped with inflatable dinghies and an underwater search team have arrived
in Western Ireland where executives from Monsanto are continuing a protest on board a
US cargo ship. Monsanto executives ambushed the ship carrying 60,000 tonnes of cardigans,
sandals, lentils and student type posters off Galway Bay on Friday morning.
The bulk carrier, which had been heading for Dublin, was awaiting the arrival of a
pilot to guide her into dock. As the ship remained at anchor a group of Monsanto
executives boarded the ship from inflatable dinghies. A company Vice-President
suspended a tent from the anchor. The action is part of Monsanto's campaign promote the
genetic improvement of European youths.
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Possible rituals being performed onboard
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Five Executive Vice-Presidents are believed to be on board - two chained to the
ship's 'Bio Feedback Crystal', a device used by new age sailors to guide the ship
through karma waters.
"We managed to come alongside the ship with some biologically enhanced sticks and a
genetically modified Soya rope. We then attached a fast-breed hemp mix ladder, recently
developed in our labs in Australia." explained Monsanto Vice-President for protests,
Michael (Mickey) Kantor.
"As soon as they were on board the situation was very peaceful.
You could say we modified what could have been a dangerous situation." he told us, with a corporate smile.
Monsanto says that they are not going to allow the ship to continue with her journey
while she is carrying the cargo of Che Guvara posters and beaded hats, which they
claim was destined for the various clothes shops around the country. Specialist gardai-aqua
teams with inflatable guns, rockets and even bigger guns are now on standby at Spiddal.
There are issues involved here, not only for the crew, not only for the protestors,
but for us too." said Superintendent Tommy "Boggerman" O'Hare.
"We have a number of options, perhaps the bringing of coffee and doughnuts to the scene, or
maybe calling "Dunkin' Doughnuts" on the mobile phone, they may do take out. I have despatched
a number of my deputies to ascertain the whereabouts of the nearest chipper, perhaps they will
return with an entire chippie van. We'll certainly have to get some food soon, it's at least
five minutes since my last snack."
But what about the ship?
"Yes, we understand there may be some food aboard the ship, but as you can see we'd have a hard time
getting at it, there's a bit of hassle with that, y'know?"
And what's going to be done about it?
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Tommy O'Hare & friend: "Now if we could just get our hands on some burgers,
then we'd be sorted."
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"About the ship? Oh, right. Storming the vessel and spraying mace in everybody’s eyes is certainly an option.
But currently we're just monitoring the situation and trying to get a picture of what's happening
out there, in here, over there. Any kind of a picture really.
After all are we really here, or is all this just an elaborate construct of the unconscious mind?
These are issues we'll be looking at all through this situation, if indeed it is really happening."
A spokeswoman for Ethno-Clotho (IRL) have confirmed that the cargo was a mixture of Ethnic clothing,
beanbags and what has been described as student type gear. However, they deny rumours that the
real reason for the halting of the ship in Galway Bay, many miles from the final destination of
Dublin is that the crew are so stoned they have no idea where they are or why they are there:
"These Monsanto people are doing nobody any favours. We are against using violence against these
people, but we think all of this is going to haunt them in their next lives," she said.
"I have every reason to believe that they could came back as snakes, or even lesser spotted wig-tails."
And what of the rumours of illicit drug taking on board ship?
"These are unfounded allegations. Rumours that the captain spliffed up as soon
as he got out of port and has been on the grazzle ever since are without foundation.
Sure, there may be recordings of him singing Pink Floyd songs on the short-wave radio, but
I challenge you to find an old sea dog who doesn't get up to the same kind of hyjinx at sea."
The protesters have asked for samples of the cargo, as they are getting quite cold hanging
around outside, and a few cardigans would come in handy, but claim the captain has refused
and locked the holds.
Monsanto VP Mickey Kantor speaking to reporters from a boat near the ship said: "It is a very
civil situation but at the moment there is a stand-off going on. We have contacted the company
to ask them to tell the skipper to give us access, but they just laugh down the phone and sing songs
about flowers and things. I find this disturbing ,quite frankly."
The Editor is currently out to lunch