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Above: The Lama considers, once again, the benefits of installing Linux-Mandrake 8.1 |
Expects to Nail "His Wormy Ass" to Temple Bell Tower
Filed by Fin Keegan
The Tibetan Government-in-Exile, based in Daramsala, India, was thrown into confusion yesterday after the Dalai Lama, in an abrupt policy reversal, announced that violence was permissible "where the creators of computer viruses are concerned".
A spokesman for the Lama, reputed to be the world's holiest man and inspiration for pacifists the world over, said that the leader of Tibetan Buddhism was so "thoroughly pissed off" at the ruination of his government's computers by the Sircam computer worm that he had ordered his followers to seek out the creator, charging them to "only return here with [the Sircam's author's] testicles poached in oil, his head on a stick and his major organs lined up, large to small, on a rusty skewer".
The worm infected the Tibetan network early morning yesterday, local time. Sircam spreads via EMail: there is a 1-in-30 chance that it will wipe the hard drive of infected systems, as happened in Daramsala. In addition the virus selects a random file from the victim's Documents Folder and EMails it to every entry in the local address book: thus the Lama's "virtual curse box" found its way, by lunchtime, to world leaders and top diplomats. (According to AFP the Lama created the Curse Box after the discovery that continuously pretending to be happy and mellow was endangering his heart).
Leading Western Buddhists, among them talentless git Richard Gere, were taken off-guard by the shift: Gere's aides scrambled in search of "ancient religions more in keeping with Richard's brand identity", according to the manager of his hair consultancy team, meeting for an anti-hair-loss summit at a secret location.
However Buddhists across the world, together with those poor sods who have to use PCs in order to make a living, welcomed the Lama's message: many, including the author of this piece, undertook to carry out the Holy One's wishes to the letter if they ever get their hands on Sircam's creator, the spineless, spiteful little shit.
[more stories by Fin Keegan]