News: US Primaries 2000.

Cutting through the red tape: "Help HELP, it's NAM all over again"

With the US presidential primary campaign drawing to a close, we look at the two leading Republican party candidates.

Charismatic war hero, John McCain, was on course for victory till recently. "I killed gooks for you people", he told an embarrassed crowd at one post-primary party. He was then carted off for his treatment. "It's not how he says anything", gushed one McCain campaigner, "or even what he's saying. What's important is the message, and the message is what is being carried forth for all. That the heart of the crux of the matter."

On the other side of the fence, frontrunner George W. Bush is warning against this 'Republicrat in the mist'. "Look at the big picture", Bush said last night on NBC's nightline program, "Can you trust McCain with running the whole country? Perhaps a little part, like Alaska or Canada, maybe even Peru, but the whole of the United States? You've gotta be kidding me.

Compassionate Conservative: "You're not catholic are you, boy"

"I mean, what would he say to someone like the President of China, whatshisname, he wouldn't know what to say, unlike me, I love Chinese food. And what about the war in that Russian place? We have got to get our troops out of there, bring the boy’s home. It's a Russian affair, after all, and I'll tell that to the Russian President, whatshisface. And that whole thingamy problem. McCain doesn't know his arse from his elbow. Umm can you edit out that last sentence?"

However, McCain has kept crowds enthralled with his war stories across America. "He came to our University", said one supporter,"and during his speech someone flashed a camera. Suddenly he screamed 'Get down, Get down. Napalm, Napalm.’ It was awesome, he'll be like another Reagan."

American Hero: "I killed gooks for you people."

Even Bush doesn't seem to be able to turn events like these to his favour. When asked by a New York Times reporter, yesterday, for his opinion on McCain's outburst on Vietnam, Bush responded, "I have full confidence in winning the Vietnam primary, full steam ahead to the Whitehouse".

Bush's supporters are confident too, "He's squandered all our cash, and he's going to lose the whole thing," said one close aide as he pulled his hair out in a confident fashion, "I mortgaged my house for this prick, and look where he's left us.

"For Christ's sake, think of the amount of pot I could have bought, he's left us up shitsville without a paddle."

"Sir, this is a restricted area."
"Go on, give me a gun, I'll play nice."

McCain isn't complaisant, though. "If I let Charlie, I mean Bush, get the upper hand, he may imprison me again, I mean win the primaries. I can't let that happen, noooo, it was so dark, they didn't feed me. {Whimper} I want my mommy".

Commentators have concluded that this is intended to be a wry swipe at Bush's drug usage during his youth. "We all know the George loves a bit of cocaine now and again. Not often, mind you, just once or twice a day. It's not a problem, as he is quite wealthy and can afford as much as he wants".

On top of his other problems, Bush has been forced to apologise to the Catholic bishop of New York for the offence he caused by launching his South Carolina primary campaign from Protestant fundamentalist "Bob Jones University". Critics have said that by associating with the university, which is well known for its Anti-Catholic teaching and its prohibition of inter-racial dating, Bush has put a huge dent in his credibility with anyone except white Protestants.

"I refute all of this", says Bush, "If it had come up, I would have used the opportunity to say how open minded I am, but during my 5 hour conversation with the leader of the university's Anti-Catholic society, and with the local KKK branch, I can honestly say the subject never came up. We just spoke about baseball".

The Republican party is 207.