New Labour chugging along:
PM steals London Underground train.
Filed by A. Shanks
|
Blair "Deserves a spanking" says friend.
|
The transport policies of Britain's Labour government have come under further scrutiny today,
as premier, Tony Blair, has hijacked a London Underground train. At last report he was taking
it on a joyride with his wife, under the streets of the British capital.
The incident began early this morning, when Mr. Blair walked from Downing Street to nearby
Whitehall tube station. Using a commuter ticket he gained access to the train, and then proceeded
to commandeer it, using the 1954 Railways (provisions) act. This law states that in a time of
crisis, a Prime Minister may take control of a train for his own purposes. It does not say what
such a crisis is, and leaves it up the PM himself to decide.
"He deserves a spanking," said Tory transport spokesman Bernard Jenkin MP, "What's he doing
using public transport when the tax payer pays for a perfectly good ministerial car for him to
drive around in? I'm very upset. I need a cup of lime tea at once." Mr. Blair took the 'Circle Line' tube several stations along and then, to everybody’s astonishment, collected his wife. It appears that Mrs. Blair was in on the whole thing from the start.
|
The third way: "Get out of my way, you horrid little man."
|
Mrs. Blair, who threatened to cut British Rail employee using a similar Railcard, boarded the
train and joined her husband. Then the tube sped away and hasn't stopped since. Many regular
tube users are angry by the whole affair.
"I've been using the tube my whole life", said 134 year
old Quentin Greenway, "Why should he be allowed to take over a train and drive it around all day,
it's a disgrace. And what about the lids on jam jars? I can never open them; I blame the socialists,
the bastards. It's all a conspiracy, I’m sure of it."
After 3 hours of non-stop circuits of the tube route, the Prime Minister stepped aside and
allowed his wife a go at the controls, as he sat there reading his paper. Some of his fellow
passengers were less than impressed.
"How dare you do this", one passenger shouted at Blair, "I'm late for work as it is, and all
you want to do is drive around the city all day".
|
In Control: It is reported that Blair threatened fellow commuters with a
fire extinguisher.
|
"I can do what I like, I'm Tony Blair", said the PM, while smiling inanely.
This isn't the first time that a reigning PM has hijacked a public vehicle. In 1992, John Major
stole a bus a drove it from London to Newcastle screaming "I am the boss of you all". He later
denied the entire incident, which experts have put down to some 'Cough Medicine' he may have
misused. And who could forget Maggie Thatchers famous 'tank' incident, during the poll tax riots, when
she took to the streets herself, in a tank, and took pot shots at the public. Many parts of
Leeds are still in ruins from her jaunt that day. Not just British Prime Ministers have engaged in this unusual activity. Ronald Reagan regularly 'borrowed' Air Force One, and would sometimes be missing for days. "He once crashed into a hospital and killed 5 people", joked Reagan's number 2, and fascist, George Bush snr. recently, "How's that
for irony?".
But why has Tony Blair done this now? It is believed to be part of an elaborate scheme to do
with London Underground privatisation and Class-A drugs.
"He's higher than a rabbit on marios", said one expert, "I'd say he's on a speed buzz, for real.
When he comes down he'll be on a real twank, no mistake."
Umberto Eco is 107.