Portillo: "Keen to take the Whip"

And now with the result in, we know he has taken the seat comfortably. “He came from behind, but then that’s the way he likes it.” Brayne told us exclusively. But Portillo didn’t take it all for granted either; “I see myself as being on a mission for my party,” Portillo said today, “That’s the position I’ve always taken and I’ll be staying in the missionary position for a good few years to come.”

But hasn’t he slipped in the back door, the rear entrance if you will?

“Well, he’ll be in the commons by next Wednesday with the whole party behind him. And I can tell you, he’s really looking forward to be taking the Tory Whip.”

His party associates are really please to see him back also; “I’m very pleased to see him come into my fold,” said party leader William Vague, “He’s one member I can’t wait to sink my teeth into. I’m told that he’s been packing them in as he toured all over his constituency, and that’s something I really want to see. I can’t wait to bend his ear on the floor of the house.”

Miguel: "A man's man, loves to be out and about."

But wasn’t it just another safe Tory seat?

“No seat is safe with Portillo around, he’ll challenge all comers.”

And how do his new constituents, and indeed the local party, feel about him?

“Oh, he’s embraced them all. He’s had his finger on the nub for the whole campaign.

Portillo is said to be inline for a prominent role on the front bench, is this for certain?

“Willy will certainly be watching him. If he can make the Prime Minister sweat, he could find himself in a very satisfying position. Another thing you must realise is that he’s a great orator, he loves a good discussion and I can really see Michael mass-debating from his seat in the house.”

John Major-Ball: "Michael, where did you get this gin? It tastes very salty."

He must be very pleased to be back in the house but won’t he find it difficult?”

“Oh he certainly is, he loves the bit of crack that he has there, and if we win some more by-elections it’ll be great to pack in more back benchers. As far as finding things difficult, it’ll certainly be hard at first, but once he rides it out he’s bound to enjoy it.”

But won’t a position on the back benches mean that he’ll have to support some policies that he disagrees with?

“Well that’s bound to happen, but Michael is no stranger to having his hands tied. He’ll just accept the domination of the right wing, and swallow hard. It might leave a bitter taste in his mouth, but he’ll get his own bite at the cherry in the fullness of time.”

Now that he’s found himself outed from the cabinet, is he keen to get back in?

“Of course, nobody likes to be out of the cabinet for long, but we’re in opposition, so we have to pull hard and fast, and hopefully come to a great climax during the election.

Shirtlifter: "Up the Jaxi, and no mistake."

So you can confirm that he won’t be on the backbenches forever, there are rumours of him being given the Northern Ireland job?

He’ll bend over backwards to serve the party, and I can promise you that he won’t get shafted in a hurry. As far as the North goes, Peter Mandelson was glad to see the back of Portillo, but if he does find his way into NI, I think we can safely say the Portillo and Mandelson will be at each other hammer and thongs. Once Michael gets the bit between his teeth there’s no stopping him, even when his back is against the wall.