"This way", says the woman in the neat white dress.   I'm ushered intoa small room with various pictures on the wall, the scene dominated by a very large confederate flag, the kind that people who don't seem to know any better wave around at sports events (I blame the Dukes of Hazzard myself).   As I'm taking in the room, Mr Ford appears.

Burning Issues: A man Alights his spangled banner

"You ne'er told me it wuz some pasty faced young'un", blurts ford in a strong southern drawl.   A brief, hushed, conversation ensues with his companion, till Ford relents, "Alright, I'll speak to the varmint."

I initiate some chit-chat to break the ice, football score and such, to which Ford dismisses with a wave of his, very smokey, pipe.   "Cut the crap, boy.   Just why is you 'ere?".

"To talk about your campaign""Oh, that darn thing", he puffs on his pipe.   "Those fellahs, they come in here, with their fancy suits an' all, an' they say 'Ohh Mr. Ford, won't you sign this release form' and 'gosh darnitt, we need a Ford in the Whitehouse again'.

"'Again', I tell 'em, 'That last varmint was worse than a skunk in a hose pin'.", He pauses, takes a puff on his now quite noxious smelling pipe and glares at me,   "You ever seen a skunk in a hose pin, boy".

I answer in the negative, but he's off again.

"So anyways, I fill in the darn forms, and before you know it, I'm the president"."Presidential Candidate", I correct."You say what you want, boy, but I'm a shoe in, that what those good ol' boys were tellin' me".

Now is as good a time as any to fill in some of Henry Ford's background.   Ford hails from a town in Georgia called 'Gridlock', a place where outsiders are shunned and you can be legally shot, within town limits, for filling your car with gasoline.

"That sure is true", says Ford "You wanna be careful down there at our gas station.   Y'see, they is thinkin' that you're gonna steal their oil.   They can't be takin' their chances with some outta-towner."

Speaking of cars, the obvious question arises, as to whether there's a connection between Ford and his historical namesake, and does he think this will help his chances in the campaign.

"Just what in tarnation are you talkin' about, boy?""Well, the Henry Ford who invented the automobile.""I am Henry Ford.""Yes, but the one who in...""I did""...?...""Only in those days, we called it a Vee-Hickle, a Motor Vee-Hickle"

This bizzare twist leads me to draw attention to something that I wasn't going to, in the interests of fairness and equality among prospective candidates, but:This interview is being held in Mr. Henry Ford's residence, The 'Happy Acres' mental institution, in Oatflake, Tennasee.

It's time to change tack, and ask about up-to-date issues,   "so, will you be pardoning the Clintons, if convicted of any wrongdoing in the whitewash scandal, as the least president Ford did for Nixon?""Nixon?  Don't get me started on that son of a bitch.   If he'd a listened to me, we'd have won that there cold war..""But, we di..""Don't interupt me, boy, I aint done. Back in the 60s I had an invention that would've finished those Ruskies for good.

"I sent the plans to that son of a bitch, but he just wrote back 'Thank you for your letter...'. I wrote back to him, I says 'Nixon, boy, I want to help you help yourself, now do as I say.'   This time he sent some of his Good Ol' Boys around to shank me up good."

Ford smokes his pipe, and alludes to what his invention involves.   He won't give precis details, but I'm permitted to tell you that it involves balloons, tin foil and a mysterious substance called 'Viglenite', which Ford claims he himself discovered."That Viglenite,that holds the key, boy!"

The room is now black with smoke, and the fire alarm is going offA nurse storms in, graps the pipe and opens the window.

"What in the hell are you doin', woman", shouts Ford in an anguished southern voice, "Can't you see I'm talkin?".

"You know you can't smoke inside the building, Henry.   You can have it back later,when you go for your evening walk, in the grounds.", the nurse now turns her attention to me, "You'll have to leave now Mr. Shanks, it's mealtime"

The nurse exits, leaving Ford to mutter inder his breath about skunks or something."I sure am sorry boy, we'll have to finish this when I'm in the whitehouse."

The food arrives, and Ford's mood changes dramatically, "Now, that's might fine vittles there ma'am, mighty fine. You sure do know how to feed a man 'round here, honey, yesirree."   Ford tucks into his food and motions towards a man in a military uniform who has just walked in to eat with Ford.

"This here is going to be Vice-President Von Bismark.   Otto where are your manners, say howdy to the boy!"

Before I go, Ford confides that if I want to get gas in 'Gridlock', the best place is at the turnpike, beyond the town limits, where the can't shoot to kill, only to maim.   "You might just be able to crawl back to yer truck, you know that, boy?"